100 Goats
by macisgate
Summary: Jack’s miscommunication leads to a transaction at the expense of Sam and Janet! Literally. Chapter 4 now up! Story complete! Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

100 Goats

Season: Any

Spoilers: Don't think so. Nothing major anyway.

Summary: Jack's miscommunication leads to a transaction at the expense of Sam and Janet! Literally. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I wish I wish with all my heart... Darn! Still doesn't work!

A/N: Well, I was actually in the mood to write something angsty, but this came to mind instead. Should be a lot of fun though. Hope you enjoy!

0-0-0

General Hammond walked briskly down the hallway with a slight smile on his lips. The base was secure, the infirmary was empty, no enemies were threatening Earth's very existence. Life was good.

"Keep up the good work, airman," he nodded appreciatively to the security guard.

"Yes, sir!" replied the young man with a stiff salute.

Must be new, he thought to himself.

Entering the control room, he looked at the scene before him. People bustling about looking important and controlled, computers being tapped on, papers being written on. He beamed. This was a group he could be proud of.

Then one of the computers started beeping.

"Sir, we're getting an offworld gate activation."

Well, that wasn't unusual. They did have a few teams off world.

"Who is it?"

"Receiving SG1's iris code, sir."

"They're a little early. Let's hope it's because their contact with the Allians went well."

"Yes, sir. Uh, sir? This is strange, according to the computer, there are quite a number of incoming travelers. Five, eight, ten."

"Get a medical team to the gateroom. Perhaps they were under attack."

"Yes, sir."

General Hammond then turned and walked quickly down to the gateroom.

And stared in shock, his perfect world shattered.

"Colonel O'Neill?"

"General, sir?"

"What is going on?"

Daniel and Teal'c were looking anywhere but at the General.

"Sir?"

"Jack!"

"Um, well, you see, sir, um, these are my goats."

"What?!" he looked down to see a goat nibbling at his shoe. Another grabbed at his sleeve.

"It seems goats are a sign of power on Allia, sir. I've got 100! I named this one George," he said proudly motioning to the small kid he held cuddled in his arms. "He reminded me of you, sir."

"He wha...? Jack! Where are Major Carter and Doctor Frasier?"

0-0-0

Sam and Janet stood holding pails in the middle of a field of what would be Earth's equivalent of cows. Their new owner's wife was looking very intent and pointing sternly in the direction of one of the cows, repeating the same word over and over.

"Beeta! Beeta!"

"What do you think she's saying," Sam hissed next to Janet while keeping her confused gaze on the woman in front of her.

"I think she wants us to milk it."

"How?"

"Well, from what I can determine, you see those things right there?"

"Eww! I'm so going to kill the Colonel!"

0-0-0

There we go! Next chapter will be longer, I promise. Hope you enjoyed. Let me know!


	2. Chapter 2

100 Goats – Chapter 2

Hey everyone! As promised, here is the somewhat longer chapter two. Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews. Hope this chapter doesn't disappoint!

0-0-0

"Colonel O'Neill, would you care to explain to me why 100 goats accompanied you through the Stargate and why two fine officers of this facility have been left on Allia?"

Jack squirmed a bit in his chair at the debriefing table.

"Well, you see, sir... Daniel just tells the story so much better than me, sir."

Daniel threw Jack a withering glance.

"Dr. Jackson, would you care to enlighten me?"

"Ahh, well, it all started when...

0-0-0

They sat around the large bonfire with the Allians. So far, so good. The Allians seemed peaceful enough. They were mostly an agrarian culture priding themselves on the size of their flocks and the yield of their harvest. They had a different language which made communication difficult, but Daniel was piecing together some words.

One of the men seemed particularly interested in talking with Colonel O'Neill.

"Uh, Jack, he wants to know why we've made contact with them. What we want from them."

"We want to be allies," he told the man.

"Allians?" asked the man excitedly.

"No, allies."

"Allians."

"Allies."

"Allians."

"Ach! Daniel, explain to him what allies means."

"Oh, um well, friends," he motioned between them. "People who trust each other, protect each other, share, trade..."

He would have gone on, but the man began nodding emphatically as though he understood. Then he babbled a few more words in his language and nodded as though he wanted Jack to agree with him.

"Oh, okay then, nodding is good I guess," the Colonel nodded back with a slight smile.

This only seemed to excite the man more. He picked up a bowl of food from beside the fire and held it out to Jack.

"Ah, no thanks. I had a big lunch."

Still he held it out.

"Abera."

"No really, I don't want any."

"Donto."

"Look, if brown sludge is your think then you eat it," he said, pushing away the man's outstretched arms.

"Pentito," the man said finally with a look of desperation.

"All right, all right, eesh. Guy can't take no for an answer."

Gingerly taking the bowl from the man's hands, he pushed his index finger into the bowl and stuck it in his mouth. The man looked at him expectantly.

"You know, that's really not so bad. Very good. Thanks," he assured the man with a big smile and another fingerfull.

The Allian grinned in pleasure, then ran off.

"Wonder where he's off to in such a hurry."

"I don't know. I think he said something about taking care of his livestock."

"Ahh."

0-0-0

"I don't understand," said the General looking at each of the three men. "What does Colonel O'Neill's partaking of a meal have to do with Major Carter and Doctor Frasier?"

"Well, you see, General, from what I understand, when the Allian heard me say trade, he thought we wanted to trade right then and there. Obviously, eating the food meant an agreement of trade. I guess at first he offered a smaller amount of goats, and then, as Jack kept refusing the food, he offered more."

"What did you give them in return?"

0-0-0

"Hey, Sam," Janet said with a grunt as she lowered the hoe once more into the dirt. "How long do you think it'll take the guys to get us out of here?"

"I don't know. Daniel will probably want to find a diplomatic solution, since it was the Colonel's mistake after all. And since they know we're not in any danger..."

"There's not too much of a rush."

"Exactly. Although you'd think they'd be a little more eager to get their leading astrophysicist and Chief Medical Officer back."

"Tell me about it. People could be dead and dying, but where am I? Churning cow – and I use the term cow lightly – butter and digging for potatoes. And these clothes! I can't believe we have to do all this work in a dress. What's next? Cooking?"

Sam laughed.

"For the sake of the farmer and his wife, I hope not!"

"Beeta! Beeta!" the woman screeched at them from the doorstep of the house.

"Beeta! Beeta!"

"I think this time she means 'less talk, more work'," Sam determined.

"Well, I think if I hear her say 'Beeta, beeta' one more time, I'm going to 'beeta' her in the batooshka!"

0-0-0

"Colonel O'Neill, I repeat, what did you give them in return?"

"Sir, have you seen my goats anywhere? I haven't seen them in a while."

"Colonel!"

"First, sir, let me make it perfectly clear, I had no idea what I was doing. I thought he was just giving me food and..."

"Colonel O'Neill!"

"We gave them Carter and the Doc." He said it all in a rush bracing himself for the General's wrath.

Silence.

Jack cracked one eye open.

"Sir?"

"I don't know what to say. I have absolutely no idea what to say!"

"Uh look, General, you don't need to worry about a thing. We'll get them back. Danny here will figure out a diplomatic solution, and then we can still be friends with the Allians. They're really nice people, sir. And their brown sludge is to die for."

"What about Major Carter and Doctor Frasier?"

"Oh, sir, you don't have to worry about a thing. They were bought by a nice farmer and his wife. They just wanted some help on their farm. A little manual labour for a couple days. It'll do them good. I think it'll be a nice little vacation for them. We'll figure a way to get them back, they'll be all refreshed from their break, we get to trade with the Allians, everybody's happy! In fact, they'll probably thank me."

0-0-0

"First, I'm going to take him by the hair. Then I'm going to tie him to a chair. Then I'm going to call Anise and tell her the Colonel would like to spend some quality time with her. Then I'll lock him in a teeny tiny room and blare techo-babble over the speakers and watch him go absolutely, completely, thoroughly insane!"

With each threat, Sam stuffed another handful of purple goop into the large four winged bird in front of her.

"Just you wait, Jack O'Neill. Just you wait!"

Janet was making her own threats toward a certain Colonel with each kneed of the bread dough.

"First, I'm going to put him in a straight jacket. Then I'm 'accidentally' going to douse him with itching powder. Then I'm going pull out my really big needles. Oh, he thought last visit's needles were big. Well, let me tell you, he was wrong. Way wrong!"

0-0-0

You like? More coming soon!


	3. Chapter 3

100 Goats – Chapter 3

Me again! Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for the lovely reviews! I was overwhelmed! Here is chapter three. Hope you enjoy!

0-0-0

General Hammond put down the pen he'd been writing with as the men of SG1 entered the room.

"What's your progress, Colonel?"

"Well, sir," Jack lowered himself into his chair. "It seems we've hit a bit of a snag. We spoke with the town elders and explained the mistake, but I don't think they understood."

"Colonel?"

Daniel spoke up instead.

"General, it turns out that the Allians take great offence to going back on a transaction. Needless to say, they weren't very happy when we asked for Sam and Janet back."

"We are no longer welcomed in their presence," Teal'c explained further.

"They kicked us out, sir."

"All right," the General rubbed his forehead. "I want suggestions, people."

"Don't you worry, sir, I've already come up with a brilliant idea."

"I believe it was Daniel Jackson's idea, O'Neill."

"Fine, Daniel came up with a brilliant idea."

"Well, let's hear it."

"Okay, since they aren't talking to us anymore, we contact one of our allies and get them to go in and buy Carter and the Doc back. Then they return them to us."

"Excellent. I'll contact the Tok'ra immediately."

"The Tok'ra, sir?" Jack gulped, casting furtive glances at Teal'c and Daniel. "Are you sure that's such a good idea, sir?"

"We're expecting a visit from them today anyway."

"But, sir!"

"Dismissed."

Jack rested his head against the table.

"Oh, this is so not good."

0-0-0

Sam and Janet stared at the cows before them. From what they understood of their owner's instructions, they were to move the cows from one pasture to another.

"Janet? You ever move cows before?"

"Nope."

"Hmm."

"Any ideas?"

"Well, I suppose we could always just say, 'Beeta, beeta'."

"Sounds good to me."

0-0-0

"Jack."

Jack glanced up from his paperwork. How had the Tok'ra found him here? He was in his office for crying out loud. Was no place sacred?

"Jacob! How's things?" He cast a quick glance at the door. Darn, it was closed. No one would ever hear him.

"I just spoke to George."

"Oh really? That's nice. Um, gotta go!" he made his move towards the door.

"Jack!"

Jack winced, then slowly turned around.

"It was a mistake, sir, I swear! We'll get them back. I promise."

"You mean, I'll get them back."

"Well, yes... Say, you want a goat?"

"Holy Hannah," Jacob muttered to the ceiling.

0-0-0

Sam and Janet stomped on their way to the Glunchi orchard, balancing their baskets on their hips.

"Now that was totally uncalled for!"

"Completely overreacting," Sam agreed concerning the recent tongue lashing from their owners.

"I mean, it's not our fault we don't know how to herd cows. I'm a doctor!"

"Me too!"

Coming to the first tree, they looked up at the fruit they were supposed to gather.

"All right, how about one of us climbs up and drops the Glunchi to the other," Janet suggested.

"Sounds good to me."

Janet winced.

"Remember the last time you said that?"

"Hey, how was I supposed to know the cows would take 'Beeta, beeta, go over there' for 'Beeta, beeta, run for your lives'?"

"True. I can't believe that one kicked me though," she winced as she touched her bruised cheek.

"You did try to jump on it."

"It was getting away!"

"So were the other seventy-five!"

"Look, let's just not worry about it. I'm sure they'll all find their way home soon. Come on, I'll climb up, and you catch these as I toss them to you."

"Okay... You know, I think I'm more bothered by the fact that I ripped my dress. I was really beginning to like it."

Janet looked down at her own muddied, tattered dress as she began to climb.

"Yeah, they were kind of pretty. Comfy too."

"Yeah."

They worked for a few moments in silence, taking in the peacefulness of the late afternoon, the smell of ripe Glunchi soothing their nerves. The suns were getting lower in the sky, and a cool breeze graced them after the heat of the day. The farm really was a beautiful place. Maybe it wasn't so bad here after all.

"Ahh! Janet, my eye! You hit my eye!"

0-0-0

There we go, everyone! Hope you enjoyed. Next chapter should be the last one and longer too. Thanks so much for reading! Review?


	4. Chapter 4

100 Goats – Chapter 4

Hey everyone! Here is the fourth and final chapter. Thanks so much for your support of this story! Hope you enjoy this last part.

0-0-0

Jacob and Jack stood at the base of the ramp surrounded with 300 goats.

"I still don't see why you couldn't just take my hundred."

"Jack, we need to make sure we get what we want. From what you've told me of these Allians, 300 goats for two women is an offer they can't refuse."

Jack shrugged in reluctant admittance.

"I still don't see why I have to go along."

"You said the Allians wouldn't reverse a trade. That doesn't mean you can't be present when I make a trade."

"Well, if I'd known that, I wouldn't have called you in the first place."

"Yes, but then I wouldn't get the pleasure of seeing the looks on Sam and Janet's faces when they see you."

"You are one sick man, Jacob Carter, one sick man."

They stepped through the stargate.

0-0-0

"I can't make out what they're saying."

"Neither can I."

Sam and Janet hissed at each other as they kept their ears pressed to the door that blocked them in the kitchen and away from the rest of the house.

"I think they just said 'trade'."

"What?"

All of a sudden, the door flew open as their owner's wife entered the room. They jumped back from the door, guilty looks plastered on their faces.

"We were just... um."

"We didn't know if you wanted anything."

"And we just wanted to make sure..."

"That you had everything..."

"And..."

"Yeah..."

The woman just looked at them then shrugged her shoulders.

"Beeta, beeta. You be traded soon enough."

"Wha... traded?" Sam gulped.

"What do you mean 'traded'?"

"We trade you. For 300 goats. You get such good price!" she fairly beamed at them, her eyes squinting with pleasure.

"Wait, you mean from the stargate? Our people are trading back for us?"

"No, no. Another has come to buy you. He is not of the Tauri."

The woman bustled away, leaving Janet and Sam to return to their attempt at the evening meal.

"This is not good. How are we going to get out of this mess?" Sam questioned.

"I don't know. I guess we could just run away. I mean, I was all for peaceful relations, but if it's not our guys buying us back, I think we've been patient long enough."

"There's got to be a better way. For cryin' out loud. Was it asking so much that the Colonel get us out of here by now? It's not like these are hostile people."

"Honestly."

They worked in silence for a time, each contemplating their fate and what actions they should take.

"I can't believe I just heard her say more than 'Beeta, beeta'."

0-0-0

Jack and Jacob sat in what appeared to be the living area of the farmer's house. Jack leaned over to Jacob.

"How much longer is this going to take?"

"Patience, Jack. We've already made the deal. Now we just have to honour them by partaking in the evening meal."

"'Partaking in the... I turn into a pumpkin at midnight, ya know?"

Jacob just raised his eyebrows.

0-0-0

"I've got it!" Janet announced triumphantly after a few more moments of silence.

"What?"

"Why did these people buy us?"

"Because they wanted help on their farm, people to cook and clean for them," Sam answered not sure where her friend was going with this.

"And why do they want to get rid of us?"

"Because they're getting 300 goats for us, which in a disturbing way is pleasing me to no end. I mean, I thought getting sold for 100 goats was good."

Janet just looked at her pointedly, so Sam tried again.

"Because we're ruining their farm, and we couldn't cook or clean if our very lives depended on it?"

"And what do you think the man buying us wants us for?"

"Well, to be honest, I was trying not to think about that."

Janet just shook her head.

"My guess is he wants the same things the farmer and his wife did."

Sam was beginning to catch on.

They turned toward the dishes they were preparing.

This man was definitely going to regret ever trying to buy them.

0-0-0

"Ah, the first course is ready," the farmer announced with pleasure.

Jack took the meat and rice dish that was offered to him. Looked harmless enough.

Then he tasted it.

Even Jacob, with the help of Selmak, was having a hard time keeping a straight face.

Only by clenching his hands into fists and allowing his eyes to water was Jack able to swallow the offending substance.

"Whoa! That was uh... Phew... Was that a spice?" he rasped.

"You like? Wonderful! The women you have bought have prepared this meal especially in your honour. They will be so pleased to hear of your pleasure."

"Oh, I just bet they will."

Jack shared a painful glance with Jacob. This was going to be a long night.

"Um, just how many courses did you say this meal had?"

0-0-0

"Good news! Good news!" the woman clapped her hands as she entered the kitchen.

"They have found your first dish most pleasing and are eagerly awaiting more!"

"They did?!"

"They are?!"

"Is the second dish prepared?" she questioned them.

"Uh, just about."

"I will return." She left the room once again.

"That guy's got a harder stomach than I thought."

"Yeah, well this dish is going to make the first dish seem like a boiled egg on toast. If he thought that was bad, just wait till he gets the rest of the meal!"

0-0-0

Sam shook her head at Janet unbelievingly.

"I don't believe it. I just don't believe it. They ate the entire meal."

"After all we did to it."

"It was disgusting."

"More like deplorable."

"I could get my license removed for giving people that kind of stuff."

"They must really want us bad."

"Hey, don't give up yet. Just because they happen to like our cooking doesn't mean we don't have other means."

"Like what?"

0-0-0

Jack lay sprawled on the living area floor.

"Somebody please just shoot me now!"

Jacob looked over at him but stayed silent. Selmak had been able to help him to a certain degree, but beads of sweat still graced his forehead. Of all the torture methods he'd heard of, Jacob was certain that if the Goa'uld ever got their hands on this food, they would have a sure and swift victory.

Jack let out another groan but only got halfway through when a scent reached his nose.

"Is that smoke?"

0-0-0

"Beeta, beeta, beeta! You light my kitchen on fire?!"

"Wow, three 'beetas'. She must really be mad," Sam muttered to Janet. Both were covered in soot smudges.

"I have never been so relieved to see two people leave. You will depart immediately with the one who has bought you."

"Wait! He still wants to buy us? After all that, he still wants to buy us?" Sam looked at her incredulously.

"The deal has been made. It can not be reversed."

"You mean we went to all that work..."

"Come!" the woman motioned with angered determination. "You will meet your new owner now. No longer will you plague me!"

"Okay, now that kind of hurt," Janet miffed.

They begrudgingly trudged after their former owner, each beginning to get concerned over this latest trade. Who had they been sold to? Where would they be taken? Should they try an escape?

They paused before entering the living area but were pulled unceremoniously into the room by the farmer's wife. Smoke still filled most of the room. Sam couldn't make out the features of their new owner. Tears from the air clouded her vision even more.

"Do they please you?"

Sam felt the man move close beside her and flinched as a gentle hand caressed her hair then winced as his thumb softly touched the tender skin of her black eye.

"Yes," a raspy voice to her left proclaimed. "We will leave you now."

Are there two of them? Sam wondered. That would make escape harder, but not impossible.

Sam felt the same hand take her arm and pull her out of the house. They were being led down the road. Using her free hand to scrub at her eyes, she took a deep breath of the night air and turned to give the stranger a piece of her mind.

"Look, buddy, I don't care who you are, we are not prop... Colonel O'Neill?!"

"Of course! Who'd you think it was, Carter?" he said amicably, throwing an arm around her shoulder and squeezing her close to his side.

Sam looked over at Janet who was now clearing her eyes as well, trying to make sense of what she was hearing. Then she looked to her side.

"General Carter?"

"Dad?"

"Sir?"

"Sam?"

"Doc?"

"Um," Sam began sheepishly. "Sir, we didn't exactly realize it was you. They told us someone not of the Tauri was buying us."

"Yeah, turns out they don't go back on their deals, so we had to get Jacob here to make the trade for us. Look, Sam," he stopped walking and turned to face her. "I'm really sorry," he motioned to her eye and cast a glance at Janet's still bruised cheek. "I thought they looked like pretty decent people. If I'd had any idea... I would never have allowed it to go on this long. I..."

"No, no, sir," Sam took pity on him. "It wasn't like that at all." She and Janet explained the finer details of their stay as they made their way to the stargate.

"Um, about that meal, sir..."

"Please don't ever bring that up again, Major," he said rubbing a hand over his forehead. "I swear I never knew tastes like that were possible."

Sam tried to hide her grin. She saw Janet smirk in her direction. Perhaps justice had been served. They'd gotten their payback, and they could never get court-martialed for it. Of course, Jacob had been an innocent bystander, but all things considered...

"I can't believe you lit their house on fire."

"It was Janet's idea, sir."

"Hey, I wasn't the one with the pyromaniatic grin on my face as you lit up the curtains."

Their light banter continued as they reached the DHD. While Jacob was dialing, Sam turned to see Jack staring up the road from where they'd come.

"You think George will remember me?"

"Oh, I'm sure he will, sir," she patted his arm.

They walked up the steps to the event horizon.

"I wonder if Daniel knows of any Amazon planets?"

Maybe payback wasn't over after all.

0-0-0

Woohoo! Story finished! Hope you all enjoyed that. It was so much fun to write. Let me know! Thanks so much for reading and for all the lovely reviews! Best wishes and lots of love!

macisgate


End file.
